wilder: Jun. 02, 2002 (10:54 am)

when i was running away down columbia rd i had dreams. of never seeing him again. of meeting someone and being wonderful. of complacency. of leaving him behind.

i gave them up for moping and a conversation--and he took that and reasserted his control over me (oh, i care about you so much. i want you to feel better). you said you'd never leave...and you've deserted three times since then. and i just can't move on, everywhere i turn you are there, for a while you the best friend of mine and i can't let that go. because nothing else is there. and i don't know how to meet new people. i don't know how to say hello. i look away and think back to the way things were. when i had someone i was meeting.

i miss who i was. i miss acting on untempered desires. not waiting for someone else to make up their mind (which they never do). oh, cycles are the death of me, 'maggie, you and i must remember in peacetime all those resolves that were so clear to us in the days of war'.

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