vessel: Jun. 22, 2002 (9:38 am)

i had been fine. even after the show, i still felt fine. last night i was stretched out on the grass reading the fall. and i thought about how paul is just as selfish, or that's how i view him. and i'm not so sure that he really is. and he's three blocks away. at the same time he wouldn't talk to me. he wouldn't talk to me. it's not for my own fucking good: he thinks i was sad because of him but it's not him. it's not alex. it's not a million other people. it's me. and last night, watching the dangerous lives of alter boys, i thought that in real life the disgusted boy does not return. the disgusted boy goes off on his own.

alex's advice is to ignore it. yet, i don't think i can ignore one more thing. we walked into the restaurant and he said 'act happy.'

you're right. you are an imperfect vessel. what happened?

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