timid: May. 13, 2002 (6:32 pm)

i want to rip the bratmobile album off the wall, so she doesn't suspect a thing. i mean it could be fun to go to prom with kelli, just to go. 'but that's fine if you are...' 'but i'm not...' attracted to kelli. i just want to go out because i haven't gone out i so long. i feel like i need to go out with paul without secrecy because then they'll know. it destroys me. (it's more important for them to know i'm an atheist, that i don't want to join corporate america, that i'm depressed rather than the fact that i prefer boys but it's more grey than that)

i just took this bracelet off for the first time in months and the indents from it match my shallow scars.

i hate this. i don't want to be sad. and i dont want to be happy like them. alienation is fine but i just don't want to feel like a fucking type case of teen depression. i want to feel fine.

caitlin drove the drunk certain-rebel-type boy to the metro. he kissed her (and so many others). he's really beautiful, and so is she. and i'm not. and the people who are more beautiful to me are always those other people who are alone. who are also too afraid to speak.

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