team: Mar. 23, 2002 (9:58 am)

i remember why i sometimes hate punk shows.

the first band i saw played a cover of unity, and while they sung "civilization, hah! i call it as i see it. our evolution now has gone the way of hate, a wold evolved reselved into it's stupid fate...unity as one, stand together" teenage boys were pushing and shoving each other. they're own little war. it was horrifying.

and they say that sexism isn't present in the punk rock communittee and they're wrong. because the floor is reserved for the tough and the brave, and most of the girls are out on the sidelines taking it all in. and maybe some are afraid, but i really do hope some see the stupidity of it all. that the band says that their against fighting while they provide a soundtrack to the violence on the dance floor and sing songs which say 'this machine kills facists'.

during one set i was next to a boy, who moved gently to the music and stared up at the band with an intent stare. and in all the stories i made up about him he was wonderful, just simply amazing. he looked at me a few times, i may have smiled back, but where did i even expect it to go? during the anti-flag set he he was up at the front, beyond the crowd of soldier-boys. i didn't look, but i'm afraid he was positvly brainwashed. i'm afraid they were all positivly brainwashed.

but i'm jut avoiding what really happened. he was there. the guy who meryl adores. and she wasn't. and he hung out with me, but he always stays away when she's around. we couldn't find our other friends, so he puts his arm around my shoulder and says 'it's just you and me' and i stayed that way. and then he pulled me infront of him to a better spot and (i may have done it, or he may have, i really don't recall...but i know i'm not totally innocent) wrapped his arms around my waist.

and it's nothing. it really is nothing. it's somethig that people get uptight about in eighth grade. but she really likes him. and i think that would hurt her. and so i suppose i'll hide it from her, but i don't know were my loyalties lay. is this just vengance? i suppose i'll just hide it from her.

sometimes she and i giggle at him after we pass him. and it's weird because now i laugh with him. somehow i think even that would bother her. it's like i changed teams.

< - > - all - p - n - d