ideal: Mar. 23, 2002 (8:53 pm)

so on the metro i wrote this long piece about last night--trying to rationalize it. and i reread and i hated it, it didn't sound like me.

i do not rationalize and make rules. i live, i analyze the past, and i dream. and that covers my bases. dreaming is the only way i make a guide for how to act.

and that sounds odd coming from a non-smoking, non-drug user, non-stupid drunk kid, non-meat eater. but all of those have been reactions. impulses. my attempts to improve myself and the world.

if i make up feelings and try to create loyalty that isn't there i'm being horribly untrue. and i know i've accused my self of making up feelings about paul, but that was different. i cared for him in a way that was different than how i claimed to.

and honesty is what makes my writing mine.

so about last night. he placed his arm around me and my shoulder was digging into his chest a little bit. and he moved his arm, but he did not step back from me. we continued standing there together. as the crowd shifted, he moved into a better place. and moved me in front of him. i think that he pulled me back towards him and (i will now admit) i placed his hands on my waist. so i'm a bad friend! but she's not so wonderfully special as paul is. she's not worth me suffering.

my guiding principle is that we all seek freedom, and this freedom is located between opression and opressing. and i did not go against my ideal. and i still believe my ideal is true.

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