surpass: Apr. 28, 2002 (11:19 am)

when i stepped off the d6, i was relieved to see someone at my connecting bus stop. i knew i hadn't just missed the bus. he started talking to me, this short, round old man with askew yellowed teeth and stragley grey hair. tried to give me job advice, saying that if i would like to be a writer i need to write either for the govenment or a private corporation. saying that five hundred people will vie for two spots, and i ought to do what ever i can to get one of those slots.

"You're a catholic?" he asked, though it sounded more like a statement. "nope" "a methodist" "no" "then what are you?" "an atheist." "a baptist?" "no an atheist." "You're not going to get a job then, you got to let jesus and the lord lead you..see you don't know it but you have a moral degenerency--you don't know right from wrong." "i do too," but he didn't hear me. "satan is going to tempt you."

he didn't sound very fucking christian to me. love your neighbor means more than you're christian neighbor.

i started walking down the street because i didn't want to talk to this man. if forced to be on the bus with him i could avoid him. i know what it's like to live in fear of people. as i was walking down the street i saw dan and he picked me up and drove me to school. he saved me from the bus people.

in six months paul and alex have done the exact same thing. they've both felt that i depended on them too much, and lied to try to push me away (after lying to make it seem like i was more important to them than i really was). i don't like what that says about me. that i'm overly dependent, grossly over dependent.

but i don't think it all my fault, they have a few other things in common. they both like the easy way out, the thoughtless way out. i could't see paul do this, but there were moments i saw alex with other girls last night and could clearly declare that he was an escapist. i suppose i am too, but i at least don't drag other people into my dishonest convenience.

they also both fell short of my expectations. perhaps it's my anger at alex, but i can't remember a moment where he surpassed my expectations. i know when paul has.

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