dishonesty: Apr. 27, 2002 (7:55 am)

i keep doing this. i keep making myself the pathetic one, giving the other person all the power. and all i want is a single god-damned relationship that feels equal. where power is not a concern.

at the same time i feel like alex led me to this place. what am i suppose to think when he says that he has no friends? how am i suppose to know that what he really means is that i'm no more special than anyone else.

and he is.

so paul and i are talking again, so i suppose alex isn't the only person i have "profound" conversations with. yet still at school, i feel like the night air. dark and invisable. my presense causes no ripples, and i walk right through the hall, right past them all. honestly, i suppose they'd rather talk to someone else. i make it rather difficult.

and what bothers me is how similar paul and alex seem right now. i sense dishonesty in both. do i ask to much? or are we just too willing to oblige other people to win their favor, because we are used to doing that in school.

i don't take criticism that well, though i've gotten a lot better. during the first dress of the fall show, i remember that i felt like i was going to get upset (though i couldn't, not there) and matt leaned closer to me. and it probably wasn't conciously, but it made me feel better. protected maybe, or comfort. before closing night of the one-acts he appologized for treating me poorly. last night alex left and matt was left in the room with me, and as he left he said something under his breath to me that i didn't hear. but it was the same feeling of comfort.

that i wasn't truly alone.

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