loss: Apr. 25, 2002 (11:32 pm)

my response to my mediocrity went from excuses, to lies, to manic attacks and finally to cuts. bloodess, unfatal cuts. but still, to where does this path lead?

things feel wrong. everything feels wrong. i could just leave it there.

he says i reminded him of christine. and i see that. i really do see that. and i don't know what to do. i am so jealous of him, it feels like he's has everything i do but more so. like i'll never win, i mean i don't even want to see it as a competition.

maybe i should go on medicine. i don't mean that. but i can't remember why not. i'm not really a person worth saving anymore, if i change is it really such a loss. but i'm still too afraid.

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