dinosaur: May. 03, 2002 (10:36 pm)

'fort reno is black. no longer familiar red chips of paint, but smooth black. i am clutching someone else's cigarette butt and i remember last year on this staircase where i re-met pail. caitlin had driven me up here and offered me a cigarette but i declined because of paul. So here now, what do i know that i didn't before? it feels like there are just a few words i would like to say to alex, yet i cushion them with a million more and live in moments. detangling strings on my knee; our warm thigs overlapping. all of them accidents. and i know what the dream means now, yes, i understand. the one where he chooses that pitiful girl, head in his lap, over me. He says he ditches boys for girls and somehow in his eyes i don't feel like he sees me as a girl, 'cause he keeps dropping me.'

busses are strange, because i keep looking at this boy and i only want him because i'm desperate and lonely and sometimes he looks like he's in the most pensive mood and he always looks around. and there's that girl infront of me, who doesn't say a word and who's a thousand times more lovely than aurora + she was wearing a knee length white pleated skirt and pearls. she fell asleep on her back pack, and i made sure she was up in time for her stop (she was). we've never said a word.

circling aound dupont

you took off your father's

leather gloveand held my hand

flesh against flesh

you kissed me good-bye at the bus stop

and i finally understood this line

i, the dinosaur, had sung so many nights

for nothing about you feels real

(funny really, we can talk abut sex

yet i was nervous in the empty house)

you are every journal entry for two months

yet, is that you or is it just me?

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