east: May. 02, 2002 (7:49 pm)

i am not what they think. i wasn't moved at the holocaust museum as a jew, because i feel no affinity with them. i share no religion, i wasn't even in europe at the time. i was here. i was moved as a human, those pictures of the naked women, prisoners kneeling at the mercy of their nazi guards. by the naked soviet prisoners. (i don't know why the nudity bothered me more, maybe because the guards were clothes excessivly and it seemed like the ultimate humiliation). i was moved as a human. i am not a jew, call me eastern european if you must. i do not believe in the omnipotence of god, but the omnipotence of humans.

it makes people so fucking comfortable if they know exactly where other people stand, as if other people are even completely sure. i'm so sick of being pegged...

and i thought if i ignored them they would ignore me. but i checked my inbox, waiting for something from amnesty intrnaional, but no instead "just a tip" your hair is unfashionable, and your bangs are obvious and you need a complete restyle. (shallow, cowardly fuck) it's not that i care in the way i ought to, like i've looked in the mirror and cried and yelled 'i'm ugly' and smashed the mirror and cut my hair (or wrists) with the sharp remains. i just forgot those people existed, i forgot people cared, i forgot people would think i care. (does this show i subconciouslly care? that this eats away at my self esteem? that i hate the fact that someone would comment on something about myself that i used to hate, but that i have forgotten about lately)

sigh, my hair is so...eastern european.

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