bad actress: 25.11.2001 (3:44 p.m.)

i talked to ex-boyfriend-paul for a while today. we got all nostalgic. i really can't believe that was me back then. all the stuff i did sounds far too confident and ballsy for me to do it. and this is not good but i can't imagine going to movies on a date or even with friends or talking on the phone for hours and hours. in some ways i've changed for the better in these last two years, but in other respects i've regressed to the point where i'm all alone + used to it. and i've come to the point where i want to go out and have fun again. and i forgot how + i don't even understand the impact of what i'm thinking 'cause if i did i would be crying.

he says i make him sad (i'm a fucking downer) because he thinks i deserve to be happy. and nothing really makes me feel good anymore. well it's not that there aren't things i like doing but those don't make me feel happy. there's a difference between an internal feeling of goodness + doing tasks that are fun.

a few weeks ago i realized how depressed i was. and i said i'd get myself out of it. and i knew that i wouldn't just magically snap out of it but i have no clue what to do anymore 'cause all i'm doing is waiting and going through each day but i can't really get it through my head that this is my life and i'm just wasting it now. i'm just going through the actions everyday but i'm not really feeling it, i'm like a really horrible actress. i know i'm writing this but i dont really understand it.

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