i say your name: 01-01-02 (3:23 pm)

why won't he go online? i am so pathetic. scared to call. to admit he is really the only person i wish to talk to. is there even anything to say or do i just want to know that he's thinking about me. today is/was dull. i baked. my friends were at my house til one. i wanted to sleep. i didn't care what the ball looked like when it fell. i saw the discover card in neon under it and knew that signaled this year wouldn't be any different. who the fuck gets a credit card because they saw an add under the new-year-ball? red white and not enough blue all over times square. sick of bumper stickers reading remember september eleventh. we would probably all forget if it wasn't for all the reminders. it's not so permantly impressed in our minds as suffering is in other part of the word. they would never need bumper stickers and three colors to remind them. pretend, pretend, pretend. so do i. i know who i wish i was. i don't know who i am. which one matters? at the ft reno show with paul in september did i feel wrong or did he lie? fucking dishonesty. i let my self be hurt. i want to pain, the torture, the suffering, the uniqueness. i try to feel pain. damn suffering artist. has idea for first novel but to afraid of parents. it's not even that great. it's so shallow i think. it's how i imagned paul before i saw him again. all the fantasies that went through my head before finally finding out who he was then. who was he? if i don't know myself how can i know others. all i need to know paper figures like sir gawain. writing is more important to the writer than the reader.

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