more: Feb. 12, 2002 (5:55 pm)

when he sees her he smiles, though when he talks with me sadness pours out like a river. and he says that the smile isn't a show. that she really does make him happy (most of the time). and knowing him in his sadness and her in her abrassive joy cofuses me. how are they together. after months. still together.

twenty two days ago, i sat with paul at my bus stop. and we kissed and i was embarassed because i overheard other people's conversations and they were wishing each other good-bye by saying, 'have a good time'. was i? mainly it was just talking and touching. hands on thighs and lower backs. maybe it felt wrong because it was so planned.

but then it's him. with an expensive wool jacket which scratches my skin. and leather gloves that i hate, and that he took off because i'd rather be holding his hand. flesh searching for flesh. for more than flesh. and his jeans that are frayed all around on the bottom. not like mine only in the back, but clearly purchased that way.

funny that i,in my dirty shirts and sawdust covered jeans, am the one who judges on looks.

then again, we probably all do.

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