leave me: 12-21-01 (8:32 am)

leaving at noon and i'm quite confused. or maybe what i think is clear as a bell but i don't like it and i don't know what it means. i'm selfish. i don't love paul. i want to keep him pathetic and have him remember me as the best and have him boil over with desire for me. that is what i want. and he's the same way. we're so selfish. do we even care about each other or do we mistake our jealousy as real pain which shows we care. being with him means isolating myself from the rest of the world in order to somehow think that i am superior. this is not who i want to be.

i do not want to be waiting for my prince charming to suddenly sweep away this selfishness. i want to do it myself. i thought so much more clearly when after me and paul made the decision to act. i wasn't hurrying anything because i wasn't so starved. i don't even know what i want. someone to have fun with. to talk seriously with. i do not have fun with paul. is it time for this frienship to be over? but i have no one else to talk to seriously...and i know i will regret it. but why? why care about him? he means nothing. he is not fun. he is fucked up and not in a romantic suffering way. what even is he? he is a boy who loved me once. why keep him around? merely because i have no one else? why keep doing this to myself?

there are too many ways to look at a single instance. a single word can leave me feeling a million ways.

what am i now?

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