honest: 12-20-01 (3:39 pm)

seeing paul was so miserable. he is not what i want. maybe i'm just searching for someone who is perfect and doesn't exist but i'm not happy with him. i look around at other boys. it's lust. it's still just lust. our relationship is based on nothing but mutual loneliness. i don't even know what's relly wrong with him. i can't explain it at all. i am confused. and angry. i distinctly remember asking him what he did last weekend and he didn't mention that he went out with this girl to a dance. i'm angry that he his the truth from me. dishonestly is ruining my life. i hide him from my parents and he hides me from his friends. but what do i honestly feel? i don't even know. i'm listening to kind of like spitting and i just heard the line 'we create images to make our lives seem pretty' i didn't understand that line before. i think i do now--at least in my own sense. maybe there was never any love with paul. maybe i created it in my own head. when i believed it was true my life did seem pretty.

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