make: Mar. 01, 2002 (9:32 pm)

if only my reaction weren't to look away. to pretend that i wasn't really looking for him and go back to work. if only i could hold that glance and greet him. softly of corse, but still a greeting and a slight smile. not what i do now.

if people could judge themselves well we wouldn't need to create hell holes like the dmv. if only people could honestly evaluate when they were skilled enough to drive a car. and it's not like it would be complete anarchy, there would still be police pulling over those who really couldn't handle the responsibility.

i really am not against big government. just some departments are a little ridiculous and other changes desperatly need to be made.

i'm not really sure anymore whether the problem is with me or them anymore. i suppose it's more likely a combination of the two. but i really feel like there's nothing i'm doing to make alex uncomfortable, and other people feel the same way i do--that alex is acting like a part time friend because of his girlfriend and that our relationships with him are suffering horribly. and i suppose he sees the problem, but it's very alex-like to see a problem and not do anything about it except maybe make cynical comments. and that's not always a negative thing, i think it's partially what allows him to sustain relationships. that he's not looking to get out as soon as things get bad, and sometimes other circumstances really do make them get better. but still i figure since other peope feel the same way that it's more logical that i feel myself slipping away from alex because of alex. but at the same time the distance between me and paul is also growing and it seems a bit odd that two relationships that were at one point so important to me are now essentially non-existant. i have no one to to analyze everything with, except you faithful ones. but it's just sad since sometimes they would say stuff i would never think. and sometimes that helped a lot.

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