letter: Mar. 02, 2002 (9:00 pm)

this is what i wrote to alex

"of corse i'm here, i'm making a tape and trying to give someone advice but i feel like the hugest hypocrite because i'm stuck in the largest rut. and i just now realize that i make things difficult for other people to talk to me--it's not just some huge conspiricy of people who don't like me. and i can't listen to my own advice and stop it. i realize people are friendly when i don't look away, but when it comes to john (and how stupid will this seem in 3 weeks?) i can't stop looking away because that's what i'm so used to doing even though there's no need to. and you know what's just pathetic...mike seems weird to me because he's still nice to me even though we kissed well over a month ago. he exceeded some 3 week limit of niceness and even though i dont like him it just seems like it's people like him who i should be used to.

and at costumes we sat and i told true stories, and i always do that. it's like everyone stares at the complexities of my life like a fucking piece of art. and i suppose i want that, but it's just somewhat odd when you're watching your audience laugh at how you said 'really' in the most amazed voice when a boy said he taught himself theoretical physics. meh, remember a few months ago i said sometimes i think i need new friends---and i found new friends but i still feel like an odd man out all the time.

perhaps if i'm talking about what's bothering me about you we can't completely forget what's bothering me about me."

that is all completely true, like nick carraway i suspect honesty is my cardinal virtue.

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