leader: Mar. 06, 2002 (9:02 pm)

so i told paul that no one can manage to hurt me quite like he can. no one leaves me feeling so ugly and cruel. and he couldn't comprehend how he did that. and he said that it kind of hurt that i clearly didnt like him...that i just wanted to. i replied ditto. but he said no, that i was what he wanted...at least close. that i was a wonderful person and a genius writer. and that makes me feel good about myself, but it also makes me wish that i had a conidence that was consistantly internal. i really dont appreciate other people like should.

i had this huge crush on this boy in seventh and eighth grade. he was nice and laidback and fun. (sometimes i feel like none of those) and lately he's been smiling at me, and he patted my shoulder as he passed my chair today. and i don't know if it's karma...or maybe that now that i'm happier people appear nicer to me.

there's this kid i like now who i don't really know, i mean we say hello in the hallway and i talked to him for a bit two weekends ago. but still i don't know him like i know paul or anyhing like that (it would be hard to know anyone that well). but still he's a bit of a loner, but is certainly not anti-social. and he's intelligent, but perhaps doesn't work in quite the same anal manner as so many of the other intelectuals at my school do. sigh, balance. and maybe i'm romantisizing him a bit, and making stuff up, but this is still how i view him and i think that's what matters.

i don't really remember middle school that well. i'm sure i had a cliched leader-follower relationship with anna, and hoped to be a leader (and was able to dominte a few people). but i remember more clearly listening to bikini kill and liz phair. people who weren't stuck in leader-follower relationships.

< - > - all - p - n - d