fine alone: Jan. 22, 2002 (9:54 pm)

lovers lie. they think that their oliging you, but they don't understand how dishonesty hurts everything.

like when he said he wanted to look at my eyes. he just wanted me to look at him. and he twists it around so that the problem is that i don't want to look at him but really he just wanted me to look at him.

and he said he was glad i was back. and he said he wanted to be friends. but that wasn't the truth. the truth is he hates me. the truth is that he is gone.

and i don't care if he thinks i'm a narcist because i don't have a firm grasp on reality, because he's an asshole who promises the way he breathes + can't get past a mistake that i made. i don't care if i'm hated because of how i feel because i can act better than i can speak--and somehow i know that i'm not as wrong as he's making me feel. i am not completely vapid and shallow.

i am a young fiction writer. and it hurts and it's my fault. but at least i'm always honest.

and i feel ok now. angry but ok.

i hope he never meets another girl that asks him why when he say he's doing ok.

i realize it's not all his fault, but i know it's not all mine.

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