anticipation: 12-09-01 (10:07 am)

i have yet to talk to paul or max. which is getting unnerving. i really need to speak to one of them just to be reassured that it's all ok and that i'm not being a horrible person. i'm just afraid max wants more than i do, which was really the problem with paul when we were dating. i feel really awful about not giving him my number now. it's not that i don't want to ever speak to him again--i just needed time to think and to be able to speak to him on my own terms.

i reread all my old journals yesterday, incluing one which was a 'note-book letter' to my ex-bestfriend anna. it's weird to read a chronicle of the demise of our friendship. readng it now makes me feel like was acting like her + not being my own person, so it's not that either of us really changed--i just became myself and we just couldn't be friends after that. i really owe that to paul. i wasn't my own person at all before i started datin him. he allienated me from anna which ended up being perhaps the biggst change of my life so far. i never realized how much of who i am now is because of him. there are a lot of other people who have influenced me too, but him more than anyone because he caused that separation. i'm probaly giving him too much credit. it started before him, he just intensified it a lot. it must have started when anna's school friends became friends with my school friends and there was almost a competition. or maybe it was just when i started hanging out from people from my school that caused the first break in our relationship. still, it's during those three weeks where the break was finalized. maybe it's the time i spent alone after that which really made me who i am...

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