vanish: Mar. 30, 2002 (5:41 pm)

so i realized what i fear. what i've always feared (besides heights that is).

i fear normalcy.

all week i've been imagining situations with him. stupid un-true love, just fun. and i am fuckig petrified that i'm not concealing anything. that my drawers will be pulled open and i'll realize that i'm shallow. that there's nothing there.

that i'm normal. (maybe i'm used to myself so i've become normal. would anyone who was truly different understand that they were different? or would they just be used to themselves...)

nobody knows me well and i'm afraid they still know everything.

i forgot what else there is.

i feel like i'm gone.

but people don't just disappear.

maybe i'm just hiding? perhaps the problem is that i'm really just lonely and i'm lulling on the one event that sustains me. oh, bulls eye.

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