block: Mar. 30, 2002 (5:12 pm)

i saw my bus pull away. so i wrote this to pass the time.

"So i have one day left. and with my steadily increasing to do list it's like haviing none. so what then? there's a couple in a car and they wait until one of the drives them off and i still am here. my self pleasure of eighth grade was fucking horrible, and what assuance do i have that i'm not going back to those feelings? that time of genuine unfufillment. i talk with him and i laugh. and it's not some wonderful deep connetion,i know, but it's still something more than feeings i assumed went along with actions. i always thought they were honest when they said that i was special, but how would they know? This break was supposed to be long days fucking paul when i still though our arangement would last this long. he said he'd never leave and that i deserved to be happy and that he was realizing i was special. convenience leads us to do a number of things. and here we sat and we kissed and it wasn't like before and it wasn't supposed to be like before. it was just by defualt. but instead i've thought of bobby. i've been acting so fucking innocent to the whole thing. i knew very well what i wanted to do--it wasn't something tht overcame me at the show. even tht night in the theater--i wanted to stay and talk with him. and so after the good riddence set i was torn. i was next to this boy who as just amazngly beautiful. scruffy blond hair. slightly slouched, leabing black on the weight of his own body. and he wore his clothes, too loose to be constrainig too tight to be defining his shape. and he never thought about it--it just was. he moves away to get a good spot for anti-flag. and bobby's poised a the bar, and though he's not chuck-wearing the light hits him in a way that i notice he looks better than before-attractice but not beautiful i suppose. and he's with me and maybe it's by default but the way he smiles makes him like paul but without the lies because we haven't really said anything serious. but still, when he puts his arm around me i let my shoulder dig into his chest instead of shrugging him off as nothing. and yeah, i put his arms around my waist but i think he initiated it. this is fucking teen-stereotypical-bullshit and i miss who i was. i don't know if i feel anymore. i'm too full or censorship so i keep repeating."

but i'm not really sure what i'm afraid to say.

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