tired: Jul. 08, 2002 (8:09 am)

i feel better. better, better, better. not waiting for one little conversation to change everything and then upset because it fails. or am i? because i'm nervous, i know i'll see him tonight. what if he yells get out. really, i swear, i've gotten better. on my own. somewhat, because through so many conversations and so many books i began to realize not what i've done to you but what i've done to myself. and that sounds cliched.

but i still get angry. at her mainly. because she talks about how miniscule sixteen years are and how we humans try to make ourselves seem better than the animals. (existentially, she fails like alex because just an hour before she ate a dove bar and i don't think charts demean animals as much as eating them does.) and everything she says seems like trite intellectualisms. sure, sixteen years is nothing compared to a number approaching infinity--but who cares? isn't it a given? stop being convinced everything you say is brilliant. it's tired.

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