their own: Jan. 16, 2002 (6:42 pm)

i look back over the day, and what sadly sticks out is memories of men and boys.

during a meeting i noticed the way that alex's innocent looking fingers lightly traced christine's figure. he tends to move them around a lot. he doesn't appear to push hard, just a gentle reminder that he's there. but in his face you see that he'd be more content if the rest of us were gone and he had a chance to push a little harder.

and i call this man, to order muslin for a set that i'm working on. and i notice his extremely attractive voice. it makes me want to stay on the phone with him all day. we giggle a bit as he asks me questions, he's obviously lonely because he asks questions multiple times and is reluctant to say good-bye.

and then i bring my stuff up to the third floor (oh, i just remembered this third floor nerd gazed at me multiple times today with his billiant blue eyes). and this teacher who i was mildly infatuated with earlier this year comes out of his office. i notice him gazing at me and wonder what he thinks. i know that he's thought about me and i know that he was thinking about me then. when i walk down the stairs i can't look at him, i'm too ashamed or frightened. that's quite a change from before, when all we really had was these long stares. these long un empty stares.

and you know what i like about people i see now? the realization that they all have their pauls.

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