era: Jan. 14, 2002 (9:06 pm)

it suddenly occurs to me that if i was completely comfortable with myself i wouldn't be searching for a companion that reflected the ideal of myself...i would be searching for someone who i related well with and respected despite their differences (maybe even because of their differences). and maybe i can respect someone who's like me, but that shouldn't be what i'm setting out to find. people say that i shouldn't be so picky, that i'm not searching for a life partner or anything. but i'm cofused, this is my life. i don't want to be thirtysomething years old and look back at my youthful folly...while i don't want to be the same person (i oviously want to grow) i don't want to look back and see the separation from kid to adult. each day should be a new realization...no matter how contrived and stupid that sounds...but i don't want to live in stages, i just want to live and grow and constantly improve or change.

maybe i'm not secure enough with myself. it's hard for me to balace the desire to be myself with my quest to not be alone.

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