matter: 01-02-02 (8:49 am)

all my unsent letters were delivered via me typing and e-mailing them. i was shaking like i did in seventh grade when peter and me had a "conversation" about him not wanting to talk me anymore as i finnished typing the letter. my fingers have never moved so fact yet there were no typos. he said he would never go away so i didn't have to be afraid. that i mattered to him but i don't believe him. he understood what i meant by love by default, but didn't understand that it probably implied that i just don't know anyone. he said i was not ugly to him, and that i was pretty and that i could be prettier if i cared to be. it bothered him when i asked him why he persued katie and not me. this time he wouldn't say because she was pretty, he said that katie is still an idea. i am so fucking sick of an idea relationships. but to not have one i have to start all over again with someone. i cried for two hours straight. i'm starting again. i am a fucking tortred-emo-child who must bare her open wound of a heart. i am a cliche. i have "personality". i don't guard my emotions. i want to be special to someone but all the guys who have made me feel special were just playing games because they do with all girls or they were just looking for action. in eighth grade to get noticed i wore tight clothing. in ninth i smoked. neither really worked. i mean they did occaisinally but it wasn't right. it makes me sick that paul persues her and not me. it makes me sad that i don't know many people. it makes me sad he said that he could never be someone that i considered worthy of my love. i pretend and pretend and pretend.

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