safe: Jun. 18, 2002 (10:53 pm)

as a child playing tag on the playground i always stayed around base. because i was pretty slow; and i couldn't fake the kids out forever. (faking out kids made me laugh anyway). and the nightmare is now that there is no base. no safety. no security. no place where i can't become it. because no one knows what truth is. i don't even fucking know; you think i ought to tell my parents i don't believe in god? that i cry before i go to bed almost every god damned night? that i'm lonely? but i can't because i'm a coward. and around others i exagerate or hide. pretend, create false realities (i am so fucking angry at alex in my head right now and i bet -i know- he's out with his real friends now and i'm sure he hasn't thought of me since three.) i wish i had cracked my skull open on the base and let it bleed right out. it wouldn't saved a lot of time.

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