pup: Feb. 27, 2002 (8:13 pm)

i should be able to make choices. i should be able to notice 'negative' behavior and just stop because i'm a free being. but i suppose while i'm free to make my own destiny i'm still bound to choices that i made long ago.

i wish i could be friendly without being a puppy. i wish that i didn't think relationships through in my head because as a free being i can go out and expirience. and i can accept that they aren't as perfect, wonderful, rehearsed or well composed as they are in my head. i should be able to at least.

i haven't talked to paul in days and i've hardly thought about him. and this isn't what i wanted. this isn't how i wanted to get past that horrible pit of loving him. loving him. really.

if i have fine relationships that aren't centered around sex, and other fine relationships that are in fact centered around sex and other relationships evolving into both mental and physical connections i should be fine. but it's that third thing that's missing. that evolution.

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