linear fashion: 12-15-01 (9:05 am)

my situation with paul is ridiculous. we're both selfish + only want the other person to want us yet at the same time we really do care for each other. so we do nothing. no matter what happens with him i think it will always be frustrating (i accidently wrote frightening the first time, freudian slip?)because we have ups and downs. it's an odd dynamic though because we view the problem we have with not wanting to be exclusive in a different way. He thinks he just doesn' want to be satisfied + that he will. I feel like i won't be completely satisfied. Not that i'm settling for paul, but there's something blantantly missing and i don't want to give him my promise when i'm not sure if i can keep it for even a day. i suggested just acting how we feel and not being so relient on the labels we give each other to decide how we act with each other. and we talked some more and realized the desicion we have to makeis whether to act, or not to and what to act even means. and then he said 'oh, for the love of god' and then my computer shut down. yes, this incredibly important conversation was held online and my computer shut down at the climax. i went to sleep then since someone in my house got on the phone. arghh...i really don't know what he thinks at all. and i think i'm too relient on what he thinks to base my life around. when i talked to him later on he seemed to think we had decided to do something but had to go really soon so we didn't discuss what that actually meant....i'll be gone in a week + i'm afraid the oppurtunity will pass

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