play acting: Jun. 28, 2002 (8:52 am)

i'm so frustrated. because i'm afraid i needed to feel pain to write, to truely function. and now that he's gone and he's gone too there's nothing. and everyday is exactly the same. i get up from my unmade bed and learn about derivatives. fail to write here. go to work. go home. apathetically watch tv. and when did this start? when did this start? was it when alex left? or really was it earlier? because the last few weeks have felt just as bad. and this is what i was waiting for. this is what got me through the last days of school. this hope of wonder, magic and new things over the summer.

but the thing is that i'm indifferent now. i don't sit in my bed drinking tea and think anymore. my thoughts run all over, gently touching something for an instant. it was so much easier when i wasn't trying to be anything. that was a long time ago.

i realized that just because alex likes me better when i'm happy doesn't mean that i'm better when i'm happy it just means that he doesn't want to be stuck in the grey. i realized that i was only disgusted with john after the q and not u show because of his disinterest. and i realize that i'm just play acting right now. like camus said, love for the sake of boredom.

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