i write too much far too often: 2001-11-24 (8:19 p.m.)

i often find myself questioning what exactly i'm doing...

why am i home on this saturday night? because i went to two parties in freshman year and they were miserable. except i'm glad i went to the first one because that was back when i drunk but i couldn't get any alcohol so i was sober and looking at all these drunk kids who looked like morons. i never wanted to be like that again. and i felt very alone there. more so when i'm in my room alone. i'm shy too and i have trouble initiating relationships. i wouldn't know who to call if i wanted to go out. that's not good. a person only needs so much time alone. i know i'll go out more when i have a car. but more likely than not i'll go out all alone. but the more you go out alone the more likely you are to meet new cool people...

why am i straightedge? i guess i sort of explained why i don't drink--i have a need to be in control of myself. the same goes for drugs. but smoking? smoking for me turned into a crutch, a way too look cool, a group to have lunch with...but i was just doing it to look cool which is quite quite lame. i also didn't want to give my money to companies that were cool with profitting of a product that kills their customers. casul sex? well i wouldn't go fuck any guy and put myself in a comprimising/un safe position--basiclly i'm ok with it if it doesn't lower how i feel about my self. in eigth grade my self esteem sky-rocketed because of all the attention i got from guys. but then i realized how false that feeling was and decided i had to build my self esteem in something within myself. when i was younger i wouldn't have sex because i didn't want to make it less special but i still made all this other stuff less special. it got ordinary. i'm not saying i would avoid it at all costs, but i guess it would have to be more about a feeling i get with the person then just wanting to satisfy myself with anyone, anywhere.

why am i even writing in this? i haven't written more than a few sentances in my real journal for a few weeks now. for some reason i sit down and i've already thought it through in my head and i dont really feel like just copying that stuff down. maybe it also feels a bit too school like (i'm a pencil-purist) for me to come up with anything really important. yeah it's odd especially with the amount of papers i write but computer writing seems so much less school-like.

i can't think of any other mysteries of life to cosider tonight...

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