nonfiction: Jun. 23, 2002 (10:04 pm)

if i were stupid, paul said, we would never be stuck in the grey. we would know what we were. does his silent treatment prove that he's stupid? perhaps not; i was given reason to believe that this is still grey. this could stll be grey.

i don't understand what happened. to bring him from refusing to kiss because of an internal boundary. to pinning me below him and kissing like in movies--where they don't do anything else but the passion is clear. to saying we couldn't do this anymore. to saying we were on good terms. to not saying anything at all.

how much longer will this last paul? i swear, it's not you who makes me sad. i make myself sad.

so i can write this.

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