mystery: Feb. 11, 2002 (4:52 pm)

i used to search for this feeling i got around guys when i was in eighth grade. it was as if every bit of me tightened up. sort of like a long shiver.

i get it when i think about mike. and i think it's more about nerves than sex. fear i suppose. but if i keep searching searching searching for someone new to give me long shivers i will eventualy over look the person who might give me the longest shiver of all. one that starts so slightly i don't even notice, and lasts for months or years.

nathan won't even fucking talk to me. he says he doesn't hate me, but i don't know what he thinks. just that he doesn't greet me with a smile in the morning. jesus, i don't even know what he wanted. i just led him on because i was bored, romance for the sake of romance not for the sake of a person. did he think we'd be happy together. for weeks and weeks. or that he'd at least get to kiss me and shove his hand up my shirt like every-fucking-one else. i kind of thought he was like a wall. and that i was just sort of practicing against it, like tennis. but what i didn't understand is that he'd thow the ball back. that it wasn't always in my court.

he must have though about me.

i wonder if he still does.

mystery is more attactive than anything else in the world.

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