mission: Apr. 29, 2002 (8:45 pm)

i know what the problem is, yeah i know why i can't be so honest here as i have been before (but oh was it honesty before, or did i make up feelings?)

see, i try to be so fucking honest with people. yet, i can't do it i still have secrets. it's not honesty, and i shouldn't pretend it is anymore.

i got angry at alex on friday. i was reading bukowski, and i pulled the pen permanently lodged in my back pocket and began writing in those empty sheets in the back. 'I kept having premonitions about my own death as i walked up the back stairway and it never struck me that i was even alive. All i realized was that it did not matter--or i suppose i did not matter. That i could disappear and it just wouldn't effect anyone. And you can lie and say it would but you can't lie with the way you act. It doesn't matter, i'm hardly worth saving. If i refuse therapy, medicine i shouldn't place the burden on everyone else,' Alex comes back, gives up working and flirts with this freshman girl, 'Even if i don't think they're being honest,' it's like i don't exist, they don't look toward me, only laughing with each other, 'Paul called me a pleaure and I just don't fucking understand. [Xed out - I hate you.] I know that you hate me.' i tossed the book into the acting room and exited and hid behind the dumpster. he didn't follow and i can't remember if wanted him to or if i just wanted him to feel guilty. I saw thomas and chris come back from smoking and i stepped further behind the dumpster and attempted to silence my tears. i felt someone behind me and i did't want it to be thomas. it wasn't. alex hugged me briefly (he always touches me briefly, i don't know why). we talked. he said i was no more special than his other friensd. he later said that was a lie. to push me away.

mission accomplished.

because i've been turning to paul. he thought that our relationship went in circles because it's not really a relationship--just a willing listener and a whiney girl. but things have gotten better since that conversation. we talked about fun, and the future. how he doesn't think the doctor/lawyer/engineer thing is for him.

ditto.

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