gaugh: Aug. 20, 2002 (9:57 am)

i've spent more nights listening to albums in my locked room than anyone should ever, ever have to. it gets to the point where i'm miserble and i ask, 'who was it who said that they used to stick safety pins into their thigh for attention'

'umm i'm not sure, annie.'

oh yeah, conor oberst.

paul and i rarely had fun. too busy being deep and emotional.

i wrote alex back: 'it feels like you're a really far cry (hah...) from where you were in april and may. which is fine i'm not asking you to be miserable--but it sometimes feels like you're asking me not to be. like i have to watch how i'm acting to make you be my friend which feels really really really bad. and you'll say 'but you're always miserable' and that's not true. i just play it for attention sometimes (and we know that backfired). but even when i'm in a good mood it still seems like you'd rather be elsewhere. and a few weeks ago i was like 'oh i'm not going to talk to alex ever again' and i realized that it wouldn't accomplish anything because you probably wouldn't notice. i mean it wouldn't change a thing, would it? i don't think i'm overreacting but i don't want to not ever talk to you again either.'

so yeah; i still just don't know. i'm sick of describing my relationships as non-existent or gaugh.

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