present: Mar. 03, 2002 (2:49 pm)

more than thinking of how my loneliness contrasted with where my current interest was i thought of paul. one of the things that repels me from him now is that he lied. we made up this vision of a life to come. a small apartment with novels all around, vinyl checkerboarded on the the wall, and old used mahogony funiture that smelled of cigarettes smoked long ago. and a small bed in which we laid together. i think that's where the fantasy started, and that's all that really mattered to him. so he agreed with the rest, and he thought it all sounded cute. everything sounds great when you're laying in a small bed with someone you like. truth is he wants a big house, with laughig children and new furniture all smelling of his sucess.

had we never talked about the future, nor analyzed the past but lived our whole relationship laying together in a park we would have been better off.

you really need to learn to balance the three, but really we had no present.

they all say that i'm special, and wonderful and fucking amazing but that never lasts or it never goes anywhere. and i don't know where they get the from, what mannerism of mine makes them think that. how does it come off? or more importantly does he see it. he is rather perceptive, and he remembers little things, and we talked for hours. did it come off in those hours? i suppose the most important question of all is if it's actully true.

< - > - all - p - n - d