incredible: Jun. 10, 2002 (10:41 pm)

it's that void that i realize no amount of crackers will fill as my eyes ache. i thought water soothed. baptized, refreched, cleaned, some how changed. so fucking dissapointed.

lay in my bed. jealous of the girl who sees paul everyday because our relationship could ever be like that. and it's not that he's heartless--he's normal. and no one fucking normal could ever stand me. and it's the same with alex (who admidityly is a bit less normal. he is balanced), it's the same with them all. they don't like me 'cause i can't. i didn't want to be normal, but i didn't want to be allienated. i cry 'cause i'm here in my bed instead of out in the night. i'm not allowed out there alone.

and alex is so lucky. because girls love him. and he says it's because he listens, that they don't really like him. but, oh, he reads and he used to take care of me. he still does but i'm to fucking demanding.

but still. i can't imagine them pleasing him. i don't either. sick pleasure, really.

and what about my desires? (my goddamned fucking desires) that are so mutilated by situations and other people's whims. that come out only in ones and zeros here.

i'm not half as incredible as some of you lead me to believe.

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