impede: May. 25, 2002 (3:04 pm)

looking back over old notebooks, i realized my change in thought. in eighth grade i wanted someone 'just short of electric'. wonderful, but still short of me. and then, trying ever so hard to look cool the next year, i feel into patters of idolizing. someone always has control. and now, wanting so something equal, i decide that i had a warped idea of love before. yet i fear i still do, being too dependent.

i'm still afraid of therapists. and i think part of it is that i believe in my own philosophies and if they don't...if they don't understand and they try to tell me it's wrong...well i just don't want to go. they won't understand how unsatisfied i am with upper middle class culture because they are part of the upper middle class.

the doctor cannot help me. i refuse to believe the chemicals in my brain are wrong, they don't impede me. i don't have trouble living, i don't want them to change me. no, i want to change myself.

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