illuminated: Sept. 02, 2002 (8:04 am)

annie, you have not been as honest of late. hinting at it once in a while. but you're still hiding your feelings trying so hard to fit in.

i wonder how long it will be before you image stops coming to me. idealized and beautiful. suitable for others to see and adore. i can't even really write about you because i really have no idea. i want to come into your bedroom with tea and talk for hours and work out every inconsistancy. not to be lovers, not to be friends, just to know. and then finally lay you to rest on your bed (alone this time). how do you sleep there?

and you asked me what was symbolic. like living is just an excuse to write. it was the sugar cube you slipped into your mouth, paul.

and i know that one relationship is not enough to sustain a person and to truly make things good. but i can't stop thinking about this boy. and i keep trying to because i don't think he really cares that much at all. and it hurts. and i don't want to think about it. i just want to pretend, pretend, pretend until i really can't anymore. and isn't this what got me here in the first place? pretending for too long. but there's a difference 'cause i think he's wonderful. and paul. never satisfied me at all. we never had fun. we never smiled. even kissing was bitter.

i think i would sleep a lot better if i knew what you think. i think i wouldn't see you on movie screens if i knew what you felt about me. but i'm not even sure i know what i felt entirely. it seems to easy to say i was just lonely.

< - > - all - p - n - d