glancing: Aug. 04, 2002 (1:31 pm)

i don't know if i want to see max when he comes back. i don't know if i can act like nothing is wrong. because i'm so angry; yet i feel i can't say it because that will make me seem sef absorbed. but i just can't stand his usual standoffishness: he acts like he never wanted me but i didn't beg him to undress and he can't say he minded it. i can't trust a word he says. a lot of it is brilliant; but he just seems to be hiding someone in order to be consistent.

and i keep remembering him asking about the number on his hand as he sat on the escalator. i had to put my mom on a cab and he seemed so honest. but i don't know. i don't want to worry so much; it just when i was with paul i dreamed of a punk rock rebel boy who was different on his own accord. and he is everything i wanted then. and now. and i just don't want to feel like his interests lay elsewear (too?). but he wanted me there on thursday.

and i'm afraid i seem like a princess to him now.

i keep making up conversation in my head. i'm sorry that i had to leave so early. i was having a good time. it's not your fault: i knew my parents wouldn't want me to go but i wanted to hang out with you.

and i don't know about max and paul. who's right. because you can't know if you can't talk about it. but i don't know if i ought to anymore. because i was always looking elsewhere.

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