clue: May. 31, 2002 (8:12 pm)

sleeping from 8.30 until dawn again. like february (no paul). but now, even dreams are unexciting. everything illogical and above all undesired.

last time, when paul and i repaired our twisted links i began to hate my fortune-cookie boy. how, when asked a simple question, he would go on for ages. and it seemed obnoxious, that excitement, rather be silent...thinking. paul, alex, and i talk of honesty like some matter of philosophy beyond our comprehension but wonderful--but there he is (they are) living honestly. and they don't even realize it.

maybe i wanted more than a post card, maybe it's not that he's gone that bothers me...

...just that's it's absurd.

and he must have some idea of his truth.

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