close: Feb. 25, 2002 (4:56 pm)

perhaps it's not even two components, maybe it's millions--impossible to comprehend in a world of x y and z.

i think if i could drink with out being a drinker and smoke with out being a smoker i might feel better. to sometimes be that way. because if i'm not drunk i am not a moron and if i'm not a chainsmoker i'm not hurting myself that much nor am i a huge demand. maybe i would be better just to know i could if i wanted to, that i wasn't trying to limit myself to be a certain way. maybe, i'm not so sure, i could just have changed my mind because i don't want to be so small and alone.

we are all small and alone, in that same sense that i'm closer to dying right no than i was when i started this.

i haven't thought so much about paul. maybe i'm happy. sometimes i still feel like i'm putting on an act. more often than just sometimes.

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