changed: Jul. 31, 2002 (9:51 pm)

i ate with her without throwing everything at her. maybe another time. but i just wanted to enjoy those moments. not entirely special, but more than bearable. just not all together exciting. (or maybe i'm just afraid to deem it wonderful because i dont know how to find two different things wonderful)

and i sat in staples thinking back to when he would say that i was wonderful, and that paul was being stupid, that it wasn't entirely my fault. when did it become my fault? you make me feel like i'm wonderful to you, you never complain and all of a sudden you are him not offering solutions, not even an ultimateum--you just leave me to beg. and since when is kissing so hard to swallow, an open invitation for you to undress. and i won't say i minded it; but i can't believe it's years later and you're blaming me. i was not myself because of you not poetically now--who the hell were you?

you said it felt right. don't lie.

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