can't always: Jan. 20, 2002 (9:31 pm)

i'm a bit too sleepy to be poetic at this moment...

i think maybe i am obsessed with being in pain. mental not physical. that maybe i don't let myself be happy because i'm afraid that my writing/creativity will suffer. and i'm now realizing that even in my imagined happy life there will still be pain, it just willnot as consitent as it was now. i'm realizing this now, it will probably take me few weeks to come to terms with it and even longer for the idea to realize itself.

i'm afraid that i'll just be happy with paul. that my biggest pain will be the fear of losing my pain. i went out with him today and it was nice. nice holding hands--cold skin against cold skin. nice conversing with. nice kissing and nice touching. we rode on the bus and i saw an idea-boy--smoking cigarettes in his black jacket. i bit my lip, turned back to paul and suddenly forgot. i'm afraid i'll be happy and dull.

fuck, my writing is suffering. but maybe it's me. i'm tired and cold and i can't always write wonderfully.

< - > - all - p - n - d