blown: Mar. 10, 2002 (8:52 am)

ok so he called, i was wrong to doubt him. but nothing came of it and i lay in my bed rereading the great gatsby but i felt too tired to continue after finishing a single chapter. so i went to bed and nine pm. at nine pm people are on their second drink and looking for who to settle down with that night. two weeks ago i was on the t with some people i'm moderatly friendly with heading on the outbound greenline towards people who i want to be friends with (not that i know how to go about that, i am uptightuptightuptight and saying hello makes me feel dumb sometimes). I managed to slip away from the t-crowd, and talk with the other ones. splitting is easy, joining on somewhere else troubles me. and that night was great and i don't think i'd get so tired if i always acted the way i did that night.

the weekend before that i went to a show with meryl and nick and eero were ther. and they're beautiful and straightedge and i believed for so long that being straightedge made them good people, but i don't think that's enough. i think they're just following ian mackaye's code of life. and i'm sick of it...i don't want to be stupid-drunk, and i don't want to fall in line but i dont want to be fucking alienated and uptight. and proper. and just a million things, i don't want to worry about always being so perfect. and i still think that if i'm so miserable somewhere that i feel the need to use chemicals to alter how i feel than i'm in the wrong place, but i think that i anayzed it in too much of a black or white manner. and that doesn't mean i don't think some behavior is ridiculous, but it means that i think putting breaks on my desires (that is if they really truly are my desires) is equally ridiculous. i will not become the drunk girl who circles round the party scene giving head, i am not giving up who i am.

the pull of affection has a bleaching effect. hmm.

i am so sick of pretentious academic competition. they, with their huge fucking vocabularies, can still not write in the way that some others can. they're natural reasoning pales in comparison to others. they're views on life, morderate-liberal dogma mixed with religion, is all the same it seems sometimes. seems quite shallow. memories, memories, memories. just because they work hard and seem so intellegent, doesn't mean they are all that is smart.

the girl is splitting away and is blown free.

< - > - all - p - n - d