headache: Jun. 09, 2003 (11:15 am)

this morning i had to take valium before an operation. the operation just couldn't happen because laughing gas just doesn't work for me. evidently the room is supposed to spin a bit and look unclear. but i was just counting the vowels on the poster accross from me and when the surgeon said he was injecting novacaine i got really upset because i was completely conscious. and i really don't want to be completely awake as someone slices open my gums, breaks my teeth in half and then pulls them out. i mean, i'd just cry and cry and shake and it would only get half done because well hey i'm too much of a fuck-up to even be able to sit through surgery.

but the valium worked well. i could think of names and just see people and not see circumstance over circumstance over circumstance. everything looked pretty clear. anyway, liking valium made me feel like a bad 80s housewife and made me realize things have got to change. but now it's worn off and i'm upset about jake. it's just hard to be liked by someone who loves. or maybe that wouldn't be so bad if i had seen him in the last month. it doesn't really matter how i like you; it just bothers me that i'm afraid to call. i wouldn't want to make you do anything you didn't want to. i guess i just miss staying up when i should have been sleeping and not really wanting to go to bed. everything's past and futue and i've got to do something now.

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