tough: Jul. 21, 2002 (10:08 am)

and i still just wonder what i'm supposed to do because nothing makes sense. they both say that i'm special, wonderful and that doesn't make them fucking stay. they still see another end. more joy somewhere else. with pretty idea girls. just feels backwords, 'i am not fair and therefore i pray the god make me poetical' which does not explain why paul has been the only steady thing i've ever had. and even that is questionable.

and i gasped as i cried, and realized--this is where i was before. wondering why not me why not me why not me. when really all i need to do is say good-bye and hello. good-bye and hello. it wasn't so hard on monday. i can say hello to him again.

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