remember: Feb. 20, 2002 (4:57 pm)

my mom watched flashdance when she was in the hospital giving birth to me. i don't remember it but they tell me it's true. i remember when i was three they confused my red plastic lunch box with this boy's lunch box and he had peanut butter and jelley...i still refuse to eat jelley. i remember in pre-k and kindergarden i learned nothing because i already knew how to read and i didn't feel neglected then but i do now. i remember my crush on jake in first grade, who every other girl liked as well. i used to dream that he would move next door, he lives a few blocks away now. i remember being afraid to write as in stories because i wasn't sure whether as or ass had two s's. i remember jon's plaid chucks in second grade. i playing with my best friend and her new best friend, they hurt me on the see-saw and i cried. i remember plotting to break them up with courtney. i remember walking behind them one day and hearing my best friend tell her she was moving away, that's how i learned. i remember working on math problems with jon in fourth grade, in a race to beat this genius kid who had skipped a grade. i remember being popular that year. i remember meeting anna. i remember the one day i ever woe my hair down. i remember ruining it by speaking the truth, i swear i didn't make it up, i swear jessie said she didn't consider ashley to be smart enough to play athena. i remember sitting with maya at lunch time in fith grade watching harrison make jokes. i remember camp that summer, what with suicidal whitney and being popular. i don't really remember sixth grade. i don't really remember camp friendship. i remember david trying to set me up with andrew, which made me so horribly ecstatic 'cause i might finally kiss someone. i remember having a crush on matt and making up truths about him in my head. i remember having a crush on jon. and sam. and jake. and ross. and peter. and david. i remember everyone thought david was a poser. i remember peter was cruel. i remember my first party at logan's, my first kiss, how even then i pretended that i had of corse french kissed a boy. i remember the hell of my bat mitzvah, i remember that lie all too well. i remember i was letter perfect. i remember suicidal stephanie. i remember ashley, the art directer from camp friendship, who listened to ani and violent femmes and iz phair and who is truly everything that is awesome. i remember liking jon at this point. i remember parties at logans...getting heavier and heavier all the time. i remember going to movies with the cool kids. i remember dani asking me who i was there with. i remember philedelphia, where this wonderful picture of me was taken which i sent to will nd he claims it got lost in the mail. i remember that halloween dance. i remember that red tank top. i remember getting felt up in movie theaters. i remember meeting pau at a new years party. i remember he made my whole body tighten. i remember he didn't call me the next day, but i called him. i remember kissing in borders while listening to the donnas. i remember snow falling on cedars, or more appropriatly don't remember it. i remember jon leading me on in a fucking milk closet. i remember dumpng paul twice in one night. i remember him crying. i remember everyone suddenly thinking i was cruel. i remember being alone for a while. i remembe charles, who was quite preppy and who i liked quite a bit. i remember camp that summer was hellish. except i remember andy occaisonally being nice to me, like when he sat on my back and hurt me and offered me drugs, illegal drugs. i remember august at logan's--boys in hot tubs, pot and diet coke wih strawberry wine cooler. i remember meeting meryl and not liking her. i remember innane crushes from freshman year. i remember being so disciplined that year. i remember the country wife. i remember the hell of lacrosse, the long practices with no fun. i remember christina, with her bratmobile shirts, mix tapes and honest advice. i remember casually going into the back hall way to see blaine, and heard his girlfriend sarah say 'that girl...'. i like her now. i remember what she told me after i quit, 'the worst thing you an do when you realize you're going down the wrong path is continue down it'. i remember reading last summer. i remember long now-guilty drags on parliment lights. i remember being shakey about my beliefs. i remember a boy who had a patch on his bag that said 'free the media'. i remember the fugazi show, esprit de corps, that is my peaceful place, my mountain lake. i remember long stares which i know were true with a teacher. i rememer the show with paul. i remember being in his arms. i remember nick looking back, looking vaguely dissapointed..though i may have made that up. i remember getting angry with paul. i remember meeting max, and kissing max, and all sorts of other things with max--that all were ok til i realized who he was. i remember paul being jealous and hurt. i remember mixed feeling abut paul, but a desire to have things come out well. i remember seeing him that day and it not being well. i remember my initial reactions softening into the realization that it would take time. i remembe trying it again, and it just not working. i remember kissing mike in upper tech. and i remember nathan's hands along my stomach. i remember laughing that night with alex, feeling truly happy even though paul was making me cry. i remember the empty eyes of my current innane crush today. i remember about a half a billion other things. i wonder what boston will be to me.

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