hesitate: Jul. 04, 2002 (7:52 pm)

porcelin mugs retain heat a lot better than glass mugs, and at his house (two and fucking half months ago) i barely sipped any of his green tea because it was too hard. now, as i try to drink it normally i feel like i'm sitting in his room (at the end of his skinny, private hallway). and i want him back (i swear, i swear, i've changed! i took an eneagram test again--i'm much more of a thinker! still a romantic, but not so much! i've changed!)

just nothing makes sense and i had ignored that for a while, but i just remembered his (eager) body above mine and his head laying on my stomach. i, in my only sweater that i haven't been wear since because it's been too hot, stared up at his ceiling where he took down that hideous thing i hated. paul, we should talk. because you say you were obliging me--but how was that obliging me if you felt like you were raping me? it doesn't have to feel like your leading me on if your just honest. i just want to call you and talk honestly, because we never got a chance. you just thought i wouldn't notice if you left. and max said you had some hesitations, i know you had some hestitations.

how do you sleep there at night?

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