hypothetically speaking: Jan. 09, 2002 (9:26 am)

he doesn't fufil my boy fantasies. he is not mix tapes, messy hair and so dorky he's cool. but maybe that's why they're fantasies? i think that upsets him though. that he is not what i always dreamt of.

we got in a fight about our hypothetical break up. how i would have to dump him because he thinks i'm too dependent on him but how i couldn't dump him because he would never talk to me again. and i cried. because i went back to feeling like i was nothing.

even though i know it's not right, i see everything as either black or white. i'm either the best or i'm nothing. the possibility of having an a- make me feel mediocre because i'm not perfect. i'm not perfect. either are you, either is he. we are merely here trying to make do with what we have. and pretend we have more. and we admire those who appear to actually have more. alex is probably the smartest kid i know. both in that book smart and just really gushes with intellegence in conversations. he says he wishes he could write as well as some of my stuff that i've shown him. wishes he could really make other people feel.

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